How to reach out to an OCPD

*Leaving this up as an introduction, but please reply within "Loved Ones Discussion Area" -Administrator

I was in an 8 month relationship with a man who had the disorder. At first I didnt realize it and was quite confused in the relationship. He had ALL the classical symptoms, the rigid and inflexible, the miserly behavior even though he had closed to a million in savings and no bills. We had many arguments which would come out of nowhere and he was very critical.

Anyway, a few weeks ago I was just ready to give it up. Got tired of the miserly attitude in our dating. Also doing the same thing and as cheaply as possible. We couldnt even go to a movie because he didnt want to spend the money although he made other excuses for it. I didnt call him for 3 weeks and since he didnt call either, we lost comunication. After the 3rd week I decided to call him and talk to him about either getting some help of getting out of the relationship. When I tried to contact him, he sent me a text telling him not to call him again. When I went to his house to pick up a few of my things, he would not open the door. He was very angry at me and I didnt do anything to him at all. On the contrary, I was always very calm when he had his outburts, when he had surgery, I took care of him day and night. I helped out with our dates financially, so as not to make him feel that I was taking advantage of him.

He has few friends and the only people around him are his father and his adult daughter and from what he would tell me, the also show signs of OCPD, although I wouldnt know because I never got to be that close to them.

I am a very loving and kind person and would hate to walk away from someone if they needed my help.. Although I know that I would never get involved with him romantically. I just couldnt deal with it, I am too easy going and adventureous and I hate arguments. I have a very peaceful life.

Does the OCPD person just crosses you out of their lives completely or its just because he is so angry right now. Is there anyway I could reach out to him just so that I could discuss this subject with him (very carefully of course and we know that they are just perfect people). I guess anyone that angry at you would have a personality disorder in just cutting you out of their lives without you having them done anything wrong to them. I understand that there is an all or nothing mentality.

Anyway, would appreciate your thoughts.

what I meant was after the 3rd week, I tried contacting him to see about getting some counseling or getting out of the relationship. I didnt even know he had OCPD so I was dealing with with in a whole different way.

Now I feel a lot of compassion for him and I am not taking it personal anymore. I would really like to be his friend and help him in what I can. He is a really nice person when he is ok and I miss that person.

oh well, i guess this is not a functing forum.

It's just getting up on its feet. I apologize. I would have responded earlier but its exam week.

I saw this post, but just didn't give any response. The statement
"I guess anyone that angry at you would have a personality disorder " stood out to me and sorta rubbed me the wrong way at the time, so I left it.

Maybe he had romantic feelings for you and isn't able to change to a platonic-only relationship. He's probably feeling hurt, resentful, rejected and yes, angry. He may also realize that he was critical and difficult, and feel badly about that....but the OCPD makes one feel like their ways/opinions are right and that's "just the way it is" and if others don't like it, they're wrong.

OCPD can make us rigid, stubborn and very difficult to change our behavior patterns. Although an OCPD person can be a source of many arguments and power struggles within a relationship, sometimes they cannot admit that fact or don't consciously realize it. They may feel a lot of stress, and decide that a relationship this stressful isn't worth it and end it, just to avoid further confrontation, stress, and admission to themselves that their behaviors are a big part of the problem.

I'd say if he refuses to contact you, let him be. It may just exacerbate the tension. Especially if he feels unable to continue as friends-only and you keep pursuing that. This is just my opinion based upon my past experience with my own OCPD and what little I read in your post.

I too, am a bit disappointed that no one else is really participating or posting here. I had hoped for more discussion and support. I know this board is just getting started. I did find another one out there - but it seems too active - if that makes sense. Hope this board gets a bit more active.

A.

Since we're being honest here, I was a little rubbed the wrong way by some comments in your post as well. That's mostly why I didn't respond right away. I wanted to take the time to let it be and then come back to it (and exam week didn't give me the chance to sit down and fully read the post).

I find that I have a very hard time keeping/making friends. It's not because I don't want them to be a part of my life, but rather that my work tends to come first. I have a hard time keeping friends because I simply don't think about calling them sometimes. The list in my head is never ending and sometimes we can tend to lose tract of keeping other people on that list.

There may, however, be something deeper, something that really rubbed him the wrong way, and he doesn't know how to approach you about it. I would have to agree with Angela in that if he doesn't want to be bothered about it, leave it be. That's not just for people with O.C.P.D., but I think any individual that does not want to be bothered.

Angela may also be correct in that he realizes that he was critical in the relationship. It's very hard for us to admit when we are wrong, if we realize that we were wrong at all, and he may be shutting you out because he can't admit he was wrong.

Does he know that he has O.C.P.D., or is that just your evaluation (I apologize if this was mentioned somewhere in the message and I missed it)? Approaching a person that does not know about their O.C.P.D. could make the relationship more difficult. No one wants to hear that there is something "wrong" with them and that they need "help." Self-discoveries are almost the best route to go.

And, I am trying desperately to keep this board afloat. Right now, ANY posts, no matter what it is about will help this board get started. We have plenty of users, now we just need discussion. Thanks for sticking in there with me, Angela. I know what you mean about "too active" boards . . . they're so hard to keep up with!

Hi, coming into this late, but I just saw this, and I just keep thinking that the behaviour that Homebody describes sounds to me more like BPD rather than OCPD (borderline personality disorder). It's not clear to me from Homebody's message why they think this person has OCPD, besides lack of flexibility. Maybe Homebody could tell us on what she bases his/her opinion. That might help us clarify some issues here.

Homebody may also be interested in looking up the criteria for BPD. I know it well, lived with one for 3 years, it was hell. Don't go back.

Hi, this is my first post. I've been married for 25 years and after some online research I believe my wife has OCPD. Knowing her, I don't think she would be very responsive to me sugesting that she should go to a doctor for a diagnosis. I don't want to make the wrong first step in seeing if my wife is definately afflicted with this. Does anyone have any sugestions as to how I should start this discussion with her?

Danae, or other admin here. Please approve me for site access. I have been here two days in a row and I still have not been approved. We are trying to add activity to the site, we need a little help with site use approvals. Chance, San Diego, CA

I apologize, Chance, I have not had access to a computer for a few days now. Thanks for joining us! Look forward to hearing some of your insight and perspectives on the matter!

Hello All,

After some 13 years together, 10 living together: I have deconstructed my relationship in efforts to understand how to handle things more and better. He meets or exceeds many of the traits that go with a diagnosis of OCPD. I did make the common mistake of thinking it was OCD; I read a bunch, I even joined a OCD/OCPD chat group to learn more.

He remains undiagnosed by a professional, so that isn't going anywhere. He has always prevented any professional to make a diagnosis (He's far smarter than they are), I got him to go for counseling once, we hit a rougher than usual spot: He didn't speak to me for three months. An almost robotic like withdrawal, and we lived in the same home at that time.

It wasn't until something happed to me, that he snapped out of it and began acting somewhat normal. He's thoughtful, kind, kind of a "peace" monger. He hoards money, and other useless items. He loves lists, creating protocols, which I have often and unknowingly disobeyed which cause him a bunch of anxiety.

He is honest to a fault, and maintains very high standards of morality which I have seen him break to save a few bucks. I always noticed his high levels anxiety and his inability to tolerate social situations which he doesn't keep me from, as long as they don't follow me home.

I have few friendships, and only one friend is somewhat comfortably allowed into the house. I have lost track of who I am for his inability to tolerate social situations. The home needs painting and carpet, he won't spend the money; So I remain embarrassed and don't welcome friends into the home at all. Yes, there is a room in this 3 BR home that I just don't go into it's his hoarding room. He loves clutter, hates dust but will not allow me to clean on a regular basis. His "excuses" he concocts were a problem, but I can now deconstruct those so well now, I just tell him "Ask 10 other people about that line reasoning and none of them would defend his position, so cool it with the nutty excuses; they only work for you".

His money hoarding has done him well with real estate and stock holdings. He has actually admitted that I have far outspent him in the maintenance of his own home, and I do not have 1/20th of his financial ability. According to me, "what's mine is his, and what's his is his. He tries to reciprocate, but I know it's difficult for him.

I am far from perfect, always fighting off depression, not sleeping, Issues with a verbally abusive Mother myself. I became diabetic from the stress and extra weight, when food became my best friend- when I didn't know what to do about this "issue of OCPD" and I still don't. I always seem to be up to my neck in frustration and a lack of solutions that can work for both of us.

Ok, it's late, maybe writing this will allow me to get some much needed sleep.
Ambien, take me away!!!

Peace to all,

Chance
San Diego, CA

Chance,

It sounds like your partner does have a case of OCPD.

One thing that is very important to remember is that it is VERY DIFFICULT for a person with OCPD to admit that they are wrong, and that usually the case is that they truly believe that they are not wrong.

My suggestion, as a person struggling to battle my own OCPD, and as a Psychology major, is to approach the situation from your feelings. Do not blame him. Blame, or something that appears or comes across as blame is the first thing to turn an OCPD person off to suggestions.

Let him know that it is very important to you that you have house-guests over, and you would like the house to feel presentable to them. Try first to compromise, going in with the full painting-every-room situation will be overwhelming. It is very difficult to spend money on little things, and big things are out of the question a lot of the time. Are you working yourself? Ask him maybe to go in half way with the costs and you will start setting aside money to go to this specific cause.

Everything is about approach. Remember that.

Now, with the topic of approach, I can only assume (since I do not know your particular situation, I only know my similar one) that this may be something difficult for you personally with having a verbally abusive mother. I grew up with a verbally abusive mother as well. My fiance and I have worked throughout the years on my approach and wording of things. Go into the situation telling yourself that no matter what, you will remain calm. Think thoroughly about what you are about to say and how it may come across. Words that are damaging are liable to shut anyone down, no matter what condition they are in.

Now, as far as counselors, I have never, myself, had much luck with counselors. They have provided to make me feel more stressed. It is very difficult to understand a person who is struggling with something that you, yourself, do not have. Whether it be OCPD or any other condition or situation. This makes it very difficult for counselors, or anyone else for that matter, to attempt to relate to those with OCPD. One thing that my counselor did help me with was to set goals (which naturally I was good at. ) such as hanging out with friends so many times a week, or journaling about how much time I spent on homework versus free time. Now, in your particular situation, the hardest part is to get him to realize that there is a problem. Do not focus on this. Focus on appropriately expressing how you feel in particular situations. Make the conversation about you and not about him.

I hope this helps some.

Best of luck. Let me know how things pan out.

Danae,

Thanks for the thoughtful response. Allow me to digest before I respond...

Chance

Danae,

Again thanks for the insightful response. Yes, I have figured out that apologies equal being wrong or incorrect. He seems to totally over think everything he does. It’s been over the last 4-5 years that I have hypothesized his condition. I do also believe it’s also clouded by certain OCD-like activities. Not for the sake of complaining, perhaps you can offer some suggestions on how to handle the basics of cleanliness.

HE could care less if I am embarrassed about the house and its interior condition.
The house has two bathrooms and he uses the one exclusively, it has paint falling off of the wall due to age, steam, and use. He also has breathing issues and remains very sensitive to dust and allergens. He won’t allow me to run a vacuum, complete with a HEPA filter so I wait for opportune moments when he’s not home to do basic cleaning.

I have stopped asking him to let me paint his entire bathroom and shower area not to mention the never cleaned bathroom. The clutter on the bathroom sink is dusty, rusting or in some other state of decay. It’s unsanitary to say the least, unhealthy at best. His toothbrush is down there in the mire somewhere. And the dust is a half inch thick in some places. Never mind the whole of the house, or it’s appearance; He can’t appreciate any or most of it at all, his rules of hoarding money somehow prevent this.

This disorder allows him to disrespect my feelings on an almost every level. How I feel about a clean home, how I feel about having friends over for a nice meal. (I am a chef by education) How long I leave the refrigerator open when gathering items for a meal or a snack. I am not a careless person and I do care about wasteful actions. He’s shut the refrigerator door with my hands still in it trying to prevent all the “Ping Pong Balls” from spilling out. He does care about my health, happiness and wellbeing but his efforts show limits that hang- on the dollars spent to show it.

As for splitting the costs of such necessary maintenance- I have asked him for the cans of paint as a Christmas present, I have outspent him in many ways around the home in spite of my lacking financials when compared to his. He’s amassed a “pretty penny” in Stock holdings and Real Estate which I have become Property Manager for. I am a Facility Manager by experience, and I offer him my abilities free of charge. He makes token attempts of repayment, but he appears to be unable to find “added value” or savings based on what he has not had to spend to have the same work done by someone else.

He is a Corporate Finance guy by profession, and he’s really good at what he does. But his views of reinvestment back into his own holdings and Real Estate investments befuddle me on a daily basis. He’s too smart to be so dumb in some instances. I used to think that he loved his money more than he loves me, I now know it’s the OCPD talking louder than he ever can or will.

We laugh a lot, dry sarcasm has become my forte, I am losing who I am in trying to accept his OCPD issues. It’s resulted in bouts of depression and deep unhappiness.
I know I love him, and he loves me very much, I can’t imagine my life without him. I continue to hope for a better OCPD-less relationship. Not “less” as in nonexistent,
But less in respect to how much angst and paranoia I have about the present. “Less” in the respect to how I’m going to navigate the day without causing him angst and anxiety while trying to live on as a couple in harmony, respect and love.

RESPECT IS LOVE

Chance

I am in a relationship with a great guy whom I suspect has OCPD. He has the classic behaviors including obsession with health, need for regular routine, dedication to work (an engineer, of course), miserliness, and hoarding. However, he is not confrontational, but is rigid.
My policy is to gently increase his awareness. No pushing, no demanding. He has many wonderful personality tradeoffs: honesty, sincerity, sensitivity, and appreciation for me. I've learn to love his quirkiness and accept it.

Hi Chance,

My heart goes out to you. I'm no longer married to my OCPD guy but we have children together so I'm dealing with him on an almost daily basis.

I wonder if your Corporate Finance guy realizes that one of his biggest investments (his house/your house) is losing *insert financial term here.* Depreciation? On the other hand, be careful what you wish for. I spent years complaining about our house needing new paint. When we finally agreed to paint the Living Room, the project became so big it took 2 months to complete. Sand, spackle, sand, spackle again, sand again, primer, sand the primer, paint, sand the paint, remove the popcorn ceiling, (repeat the first nine steps), add pot lights, change ceiling fan, and it goes on and on. I had to take my kids to my mom's every weekend to give him the space. There was no one worthy of helping him. Toward the end, I was so frustrated. How freaking long does it take to paint a room! I had no appreciation left to give him. And for him, that was like a knife in his chest. All that work he did and I couldn't be thankful, I was just beside myself impatient.

I'm not helping, am I? sorry for my rant. I guess what I mean by this post is, I'm able to empathize with you, Chance.

I'm so glad there are other people out there that know how it feels to live with this craziness.

Angel

Kruser and Angel,

You guys "get it" and I do have good news! Both bathrooms in the house have been remodeled! I did all the work and my Guy helped choose colors and tile and flooring.
It took a week, and another day because I added a beautiful granite counter and square sink with a new faucet in the "house" bathroom.

I know he had plenty of anxiety during the work, I worked hard and as fast as I could. He tolerated it surprisingly well. I couldn't get him to replace the stained and well used counter in his bathroom; his PD hates change- and the cost involved, a new faucet would have sent him over the edge. Forget how much he could have saved with me doing all the work. He helped here and there and we made it happen together.

We had issue with having the new vinyl flooring. He canceled the initial install after we had agreed to replace the flooring in BOTH bathrooms. He scheduled just one, and I had him cancel the entire job. He came around, and we have very nice bathroom areas. He hates loosing control of what needs to be done, he says "it never ends"- I say he never allows anything to get started to avoid the cost and inconvenience.

That was 2 months ago, and we are not talking again. He refuses to respect my likes and preferences in the home. I can't comfortably invite a friend over for an occasional meal and a movie. I have to get permission/approval, and thus far just one friend of mine can visit maybe once a month or so. He constantly treats me as if I were a mere "room mate".

I am not a trained maintenance monkey for him to let me in/out of the cage to make repairs or make landscape changes that require Chain saws and other high powered machinery. I deserve to be treated with more respect than that. He does trust my mechanical abilities, and contracting skills when required for his other residential properties.

He needs a friend to talk to, someone he can trust and seek advice from. He may not ever get there, so it's a therapist he's looking for; and he resents me for that. Even though we are not more than 20 feet away from each other, we are communicating by email only! It's a great filter for all the crapola he'd try to offer verbally.

I started my Prozac today and I will remain sensitive to his search for the dreaded Head-Shrinker for assistance with his ocpd. Perhaps the right Rx can get him off the ceiling and ease his need to control everything all the time.

Hey Kruser, how long have you been together? Initially, I thought the quirks were harmless at first; some of them endearing or cute even... OCPD is a very hard nut to crack I sincerely hope the gentle and easy approach is effective for you.

It's up and down here, a rough patch here & there. Let's hope he finds a friend to talk to.

Peace & Love.

Chance
San Diego, CA

Hey Angel!

I work cheap and can make myself available if you have any maintenance issues worked on.
I am so sorry that the divorce was necessary, it can be a good choice where kids are concerned. I hope you and yours to make a easy adjustment and have a chance to be well, live well and be happy.

No apologies necessary, Your post was not a rant, it was more a sharing of your experiences.
Go easy, especially on yourself. It gets easier...

Chance

[/quote]And, I am trying desperately to keep this board afloat. Right now, ANY posts, no matter what it is about will help this board get started. We have plenty of users, now we just need discussion. Thanks for sticking in there with me, Angela. I know what you mean about "too active" boards . . . they're so hard to keep up with![/quote]

Hello again, it's me Chance.
I know I have not contributed to the site lately. It takes a lot to maintain and grow it.
I had to locate other sources of information on ocpd for my relationship. A lack of activity here was the main reason.

If I may, with all respect to your basic mission here... considering the disorder OCPD there are far too many "hoops" to jump through to get in here. Too many "stop you can't access here without approval" or a seemingly forever wait to get such permissions.

the information here is good, honest and well intentioned just too many "rules" to exist here.
Perhaps as a busy student you don't have the time to tend to your personal, school and this site.

Let people in to see and read openly everything, no secret places, no closed doors or additional permissions to access certain areas is a bit disconcerting. I have enough covert crap going on right here to see such limitations here. I noted that others have commented on the lack of participation here, it simply takes too long to be approved or receive a reply to a post.

Too many rules far too many rules... to allow any great exchanges, to move about the site or to grow personally. The sharing and responses take too long. The "validations" are in the open and honest response we get; No responses, no validations.

With all the good intentions go plenty of people that need to see everything OPENLY and communicate openly as well.
You can reply to me personally if you need to. I might check back in a few days to see if you have responded, good or bad
I respect you and I appreciate you. I wish you had more time to devote to this site.

Chance
San Diego, CA

Kruser wrote:

I am in a relationship with a great guy whom I suspect has OCPD. He has the classic behaviors including obsession with health, need for regular routine, dedication to work (an engineer, of course), miserliness, and hoarding. However, he is not confrontational, but is rigid.
My policy is to gently increase his awareness. No pushing, no demanding. He has many wonderful personality tradeoffs: honesty, sincerity, sensitivity, and appreciation for me. I've learn to love his quirkiness and accept it.

It is a new'er relationship Kruser? It took me 5 years, to realize I was lost in another's PD. 10 years in. I'm trying to give us a fighting chance. He can now see there is something going on, he is still working on finding a good Therapist. perhaps a anti anxiety Rx to give him some immediate relief from all the anxiety of his situation.

He has my unending love and support through the process and it's at his own pace for him. I didn't make some major declaration, or threaten him I'd leave. He knows how I feel, now he will drag his feet for the next three years... He's a Corp Finance guy, of course and he's exactly what you describe your guy's personality "Tradeoffs" to be. All that and more. I am still on these sites and you are here too.


People grow, some don't. What was at one time acceptable, may become unacceptable.
What was regarded as a quirk or harmless and cute, can rob you of who you are; Change into something else. I'm not bitter and hostile, but I have become very realistic where it comes to OCPd'ers. Eyes wide open.

"Expectations are broken promises under construction"

Peace & Love to you and Yours!

Chance

Catastrofism is prevalent on this website I see. Is there a single person out there who can bring hope to a loved one Chance, any relationship can rob you off who you are. Any. That is why we all need to be cautious about our own mental and physical health. I love my BF who has OCPD. And you know what? People can deal. They have to recognize their problem, learn to deal with it and monitor themselves as long as they live. Hey, I have been diagnosed with major depressive disorder before and am depression-free for the past 10 years. Have some faith in people you love and yourselves!

Is it common for the person with OCPD to often say that they are confused whenever you're discussing something serious or emotional? I get confused when they keep telling me that they're confused.

I always tried to distance myself from my emotions, partly because showing emotions (both "positive" and "negative" ones) in my family was never usually accepted and we were usually sent to our rooms until we "had settled down." When others were emotional I haven't been able to relate well to them because I myself wasn't willing to get emotionally involved. As to serious matters, I never wanted to share what I felt, mainly because then people would know what I thought. They would see inside me and I was worried they would see how vulnerable I felt. I would block things from my consciousness and build defenses so as not to confront who I am. I would often be very confused about what others were going through (and I still do, although I am trying to improve) because it is hard to talk about things with others when I am trying to do so without bringing forth memories, feelings, beliefs that I am so used to hiding and think it is better to hide. That I have been taught to hide. I used to think it was like this for everyone, and it was confusing to me why they could be so open with things. How could they care so little for something so precious, the thing that makes them tick, so to speak, that they would lay it out for someone else to see? I guess it must have made me feel threatened. My way of doing things wasn't being chosen by others as the way to do things. My way might not work, but it had to. It had worked so long, so many years. I survived up till now. Now I had to change and admit my way was no longer "the way." It's a lot for someone who is a perfectionist to deal with.

What makes me so sad is that sometimes I don't know how to differentiate between the real person and the OCPD affecting the person. I mean that when he does something or says something that hurts me, I ask myself, "Is that the OCPD?" I guess this post isn't really a question but just a thought. I keep trying to figure him out and perhaps I need to focus on myself and how I can feel peace. He can go away for quite a while when he hurts me and then quietly returns. Difficult.

I do not think (and this is based on what I have learned about myself) that you can separate the OCPD from the person. I firmly feel I have to account for my hurtful words, actions, judgemental nature, etc. OCPD is centered majorly around perfectionism. Perfectionism has its roots in pride. Pride is one of the seven deadly sins. I have hurt so many people because my pride kept me loving them, from extending myself when they need it. I know I personally don't want people to say, "I guess that is the OCPD coming out," and not confront me about it. It is probably impossible to notice all the ways OCPD affects me. I need people to let me know so I can recognize it. Sometimes I still notice myself getting defensive at times, especially when the correction comes from someone unexpected out of the blue, but after I take the time to think it over I am usually greatful for their view.