How to reach out to an OCPD

I agree, Sarah! I have been learning to deal with my OCPD habits best when someone who cares about me confronts me lovingly. Not necessarily stating, "You're being so OCPD right now," or anything along those lines, but more so telling me when I've done something to hurt or offend them. This is something that I am working on a lot lately. My ex fiance and I are close to getting back together and one of our biggest problems was him confronting me when I did something to hurt him. I didn't make it very easy for him to confront me. Its hard not to be defensive, but I think anyone facing confrontation can become defensive.

I don't think you can necessarily separate the OCPD and the individual, so focus more on confronting in love what hurts you. It is a typical confrontation that occurs in any relationship. Maybe even wait until the situation has had time to cool down for a bit. My ex knew that I needed time to cool down after an argument before anything he said was taken into consideration. However, it is important to know the signs. The DSM-IV is a great tool to use in identifying typical OCPD symptoms. Also remember, people in general also have their own quirks, so not all odd behavior can entirely be placed as being OCPD.


DSM-IV OCPD

Is anyone interested in discussing Demand Resistance and Demand Sensitivity in someone with OCPD? I recently became aware of it, and realize this influence in my life from my friend with OCPD. It helps me understand his way of thinking and how I can approach him.

I remember reading about that back in the spring. I'll have to look back through the book to go over it again. I tend to be very demand sensitive.

Hey Anne,
Sorry it took so long for me to reply. I've been busy getting everything to go to college this spring; getting classes and an apartment and such.

About Demand-Sensitivity and Demand-Resistance: I think I first came across these terms when reading the book Too Perfect: When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Dr. Allan Mallinger and Jeannette Dewyze. There is an entire chapter devoted to these two descriptions, and it really covers them well.

As I thought, I am much more demand-sensitive. It's interesting that you brought this up now because it ties in well with what Danae and I were discussing about wants turning into shoulds, turning into obligations. It also mentions how demand-sensitives use turning there wants into following orders as a defense, fullfilling a duty rather than selfishly satisfying oneself, as we see it. Quoting the summary, "It's harding to criticize someone who's 'only following orders,' as opposed to one doing something he initiated himself." It goes on to say that "when most of your activities fell like obligations, you can reach a point where nothing gives you pleasure, and life feels meaningless...you may feel more vulnerable to extenal influences, especially the wishes of others."

That's all I have time for writing right now. I know I didn't give any personal examples or anything, and I didn't talk about demand-resistance which I do have some of too, I think. Were there any particulars you wanted to discuss. A certain context, perhaps.

Sarah

I appreciate your answer and no there wasn't anything in particular regarding the subject. I'm open to just hearing.

I recently read Too Perfect also and have been reading other material. I have to say that everything that I read is very informative. The light bulb goes off often when I read the information. Truthfully, it all makes me feel sad. I can't seem to distinguish what is the OCPD and what is the truth in my situation.

I'm sorry. I don't understand what you mean when you say you can't distinguish what is OCPD and what is the truth. Are you meaning it might not be OCPD, or are you meaning you are trying to look past the OCPD?

Yes, I'm trying to look past the OCPD. He has been in therapy for a while for his diagnosed OCPD. I do realize that I, too,not being someone with OCPD still have to work on things about myself. I'm not just pointing the finger at him. What I am doing though is realizing that I feel overwhelmed from all of the information overload. How can I have a nurturing relationship with someone so afraid to let me in no matter the length of time? So much seems to be on his terms. I see many good qualities in him, but the negative aspects of his OCPD seem to pop up so much. That's what I have been working through. No judgements are meant. I understand now how much suffering can be involved for someone with OCPD. I mean that I understand as much as I can without having it myself.

Hey sorry to barge in but reading about you trying to keep this afloat. You need so spread this more round facebook probs, I found it there and more people will! Would love to have more people active here.

Great idea! I actually don't have facebook and am refusing to budge, mainly because I know how much time I am going to waste on there. Plus there are a lot of people who I knew, but I am perfectly happy not staying in contact with them anymore, but who I know will want to keep in touch with me often. I know you just wrote how you aren't good at getting things done, mainly because you want them done your way, but perhaps you could do the advertising your way...if you have any ideas of how to spread it, that is. Or, if someone else on here volunteers to do that perhaps you could share your ideas with them.

Hi:

I've been dating someone for 2 &1/2 years. Once I met his mother and saw how OCD-like she is I stumbled onto the notion of OCPD. I read a quick article on Wikipedia and realized this may fit. He displays many of the traits described here. In his case, messyness and yet saying "Why start anything unless you can't do it perfectly", being the only one who can do things/not delegating, incredible stubbornness, perfectionism that interferes w/ task completion, hoarding of worthless old stuff (even things he openly says he doesn't like), incredible risk taking, passive-agressiveness. He's also incredibly distracted all the time and does not remember that people are there. I describe all of it as living in a bubble. It's all about him, him, him. On the positive in his case he can admit he does things wrong, can see what he is doing, can see what his behaviors look like, can allow others to partake in tasks, is generous, can be loving. He has learned to adapt to the demands of relationships in many ways since I have been with him. It wasn't easy but I see lots of evidence of him meeting me halfway, and wanting to liv a better life. It is a self created prison. Most worrying to me though is his love of the weird. I have read many books he recommended and they are either dark, depressing, like an acid trip or incredibly dry and scientific. And he has told me that in his past marriage he tried swinging and has called himself a "freak." I imagine this means he has tried some bizarre things sexually. He hasn't tried that with me because he knows I would not go there. But now we are in a holding pattern where we only have sex if I initiate. What can anyone tell me about this last piece. I now get that OCPD is all about control and in effect he has managed to control how we have sex by never initiating. It's all up to me. Luckily when we do he seems to be able to open up and connect and love, so at that time he does not have to be in control. What I don't understand is why would he not want to pursue that all the time once having experienced that? What is in the mind of the OCPD individual that keeps one from returning to bliss? Someone once told me that he does not feel worthy of feeling good. Any suggestions for overcoming this barrier? It hurts me in ways I cannot even describe that he does not initiate. I feel unloved, undesired, unwanted. Oh and of course last time I brought this up he exploded and said really vicious things which of course (as intended I'm sure) made me scared of trying to talk to him about this again. The other concern I have is are people w/ OCPD major commitment phobes? What is recommended regarding that? Thanks.

I believe my boyfriend has OCPD since he has many of the charcateristics described for OCPD. He critizices me a lot (on a daily basis and in the way of jokes) for many little things that most people would not even pay attention to, he all the times is taking about money and who is going to pay, etc.
I am beginning to feel hopeless about our relationship because sometimes I feel I can not take this any longer, it is really to much. I love him a lot, but I feel that I am not sure if I will be able to manage this for the long term.
The situation is that we all have problems, in my case I do not have OCPD, however, I have had anxiety episodes, and his judgemental attitude sometimes makes me feel anxious.
I do not know how to handle this situation. I do not want to break up with him, but whenever I point out that I feel badly when he makes so many critical remarks, he actually claims that I am the one who does not love him and I do not accept him the way hi is.
So basically, I can not even tell him that his attitude bothers me because he gest very very defensive and he blames me.
Thank you for your help-

I've been thinking about the "demand resistance" thing as it was this that alerted me to a problem. Problem being OCPD. The reason I started researching this was because my ex SO (who I still love) was rigidly organised and one day he freaked out when I dipped my finger in the sauce to do a flavour test (I grew up in a French farmhouse kitchen). When I suggested he was a bit OCD he had a look that said "you've found me out" in his eyes. I think our relationship changed from that moment and he began to up the demand resistance which previously had been undetectable. It manifested itself in bizarre ways like when I suggested that training his dog might save his life one day, especially as the dog had a tendency to run out the door and straight onto the road. He not only didn't train the dog but seemed to take some perverse pleasure at the crazy antics of a dog out of control. Also he sabotaged every event I invited him to but anything that he arranged went without a hitch. It made me so sad and confused as I tried very hard to make him happy. His ex wife was a very angry lady by the end of their marriage and I had previously thought that she caused the problems but now I'm not sure which was the chicken and which the egg. I took the choice to walk away with dignity despite loving him very much but was never allowed closure as he has never fulfilled his promise to have coffee. I think this is more demand resistance as I had the audacity to suggest we talk! Any thoughts or advice would be much appreciated.

You can reach somebody with OCPD with logic arguments but not feelings and unrealstic comparisons. My therapist asked me: Can you leave your family for a half year to go to Australia? - Eh? - Nobody with family can do that for usually. Absolutley an unrealistic example. Perhaps I can try to be less anancastic. Ich can to try search solutions to be less independent, but I must think about it and the risks for my family without my helping during my absence

My dad has this. I would say DO NOT try to get involved to "help", especially if he is backing away and doesn't want to talk. You are not married so yeah i would say run and don't look back. It never works. You cannot tell someone with OCPD ANYTHING to help him...he either will not listen or views it as criticism. I am sure some can handle it but not my dad. I just realized yesterday my dad has this. Totally by accident came across OCPD while in search of info on a toxic parent. I am 36 and I have been trying for years to communicate with the guy. So you may feel bad for him and want to help but i am telling you, DON'T DO IT! Sorry if i offended anyone here. I am just so sad and frustrated at all the issues going on with my dad. I would never purposely choose to be close to this disorder as it is so stressful and i myself have OCD (i think directly caused by the OCPD parent) .I will start my own post/story in another thread. I am also hoping to understand the OCPD person better so i know how to deal with my dad instead of the possible total cutoff of contact I am considering. Some are worse off then others. My dad is extreme. He only listens (maybe) to men he finds above him in authority that he respects immensely, even worships.